Sparks and Fireworks
I’ve been seeing little sparks recently; near-imperceptible bursts of light that were once far more visible to me. I believe that these sparks are the fireworks of the cosmos, the flashes of beauty that remind us why we’re clinging onto life in the first place.
God knows, I needed reminding.
I saw the first of these in the most unexpected of places – the eyes of a girl. Just typing that sentence out almost makes me nauseous but it’s true. Since the spark in mine faded a long time ago, I had given up looking for it in the eyes of others. It felt strange, a familiar warmth that stuck around just long enough to let me know that it was still out there, waiting for me to be ready to feel it again.
The second appeared from within. For a moment, life didn’t seem so grey. I began to notice spatters of colour in the world, lights in places previously inhabited entirely by shadows. For reasons that have yet to make themselves apparent, I began to feel as though I could breathe easier for a moment or two.
Today began with another spark, and that spark quickly developed into a full-on explosion. I found out that after 22 of the worst months of my life, I’m finally getting to see a therapist. I got the call this morning out of the blue, and I spent 20 minutes crying my heart out on the floor of my “new office”. Two years of pain reared up and bolted out of me in a way I’ve never experienced before. I felt genuine hope for the first time in so long that it took my breath away.
It’s not overstating things to say that I had long since given up on the idea that I had any sort of future. I’ve been living with the thought that I’ll be dead by 30 for so long now that it’s become a strange, semi-accepted inevitability. In place of that, for the briefest of moments, was the belief that I have a life after this. That once all this is over, I get to be truly happy again. Maybe even normal.
These sparks were unexpected, but certainly welcome. They hit me with all the force that life has the capacity to exert, and for once I was truly grateful. I don’t remember the last time I felt that way.
I hope to see more of these sparks. I’ve always loved fireworks, and it wasn’t until today that I realised what these flashes really are.
They’re the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep moving forward.