Fall, In Love
Of the many things I’ve opted to distance myself from this last few years, love and intimacy are without question the two I’ve most consciously avoided. My last two relationships left me with a few more scars than I’d have liked, and whilst I wouldn’t erase a moment of them, I came out of the last one feeling as though I needed a break from it all.
Between the insecurities, the jealousy, the lies and the arguments, I found the whole thing unsavoury to say the least. Though I’ve loved intensely, I’ve also been hurt, and I’d made a decision to avoid that risk until I met somebody who took my breath away. It had happened once, so I figured it’d happen again eventually.
With that in mind, I now find myself in a strange place. Fall is my favourite time of year. More specifically, it’s my favourite time of year to be in love. Nature itself becomes a force which pushes lovers together. You find yourselves holding hands during cold, windy days, and wrapping your arms around each other as you stand near bonfires and watch fireworks dance around the night sky. Afternoons that were once spent outside in the sun are replaced by duvet days and late mornings. Embraces become tighter, kisses sweeter, and hearts warmer.
I believe that Autumn is a season made for lovers. Bonfire Night has always been my favourite night of the year; I never grew out of the childhood awe that fireworks elicited. Sharing a warm coat with the girl you love as you both gaze upwards is one of the simpler pleasures in life, but it’s a meaningful one. Especially when surrounded by children who are just now discovering that explosively-colourful wonder for themselves.
It’s been 2 years since I celebrated either Halloween or Bonfire Night; I remember carving pumpkins and standing around with her family as we set off fireworks in their garden and handed out sparklers to the kids. Simpler times, to be sure. These memories, and many others, often cause me to reminisce when we reach this time of year. In the midst of a moment spent walking down the lanes of nostalgia, I found myself face-to-face with my ex-girlfriend’s Dad. It was lovely (and very strange) seeing him again, but it caused me to realise something.
It might be time for me to open myself up to those experiences again.
Without any intent from me, it seems as though I’ve already begun to do so. I’m developing those feelings again, and I don’t know what the hell to make of it.
I’ve done everything I can to avoid dragging anybody into my illness for so long because I couldn’t bear to bring them down with me. More to the point, being that vulnerable again scares the hell out of me. This is significant, because not a great deal does scare me anymore; I’ve been through too much. Love will always terrify me though; it’s the most powerful force on Earth, and I’m a romantic who firmly believes that it shapes our stories like nothing else.
I love Fall. I’d love to fall. It’s time to leave the past where it is.
Maybe there are fireworks in my future after all.